luv thyself series - prompt #18

xin chào voizies! that means hello in vietnamese. i didn't post these last two days or so because i kind of needed a break and i was in such a weird mood. haven't been doing much, but i think i need to get some work done because i've been holding a lot of stuff out for long enough. i realize that i put off things if it makes me uncomfortable or anxious, and that's no good. so, i's back! also, random but i wanna do my nails and make them really funky and playful :)

link to prompt: https://selflovecircle.co.uk/self-love-journal-prompts/

prompt #18: what is in the way of your self-love?

ooo. great question. the biggest obstacle that i can think of is comparing myself to others. the reasons are my family, romantic relationships, and social relationships with people in my life. my parents have always compared me to my sister or both of us to other people's children. it may seem harmless, but over time it became damaging. it was actually one of the things that i had to unpack over this past year. i always knew that she was favored over me, but i finally sat down and thought about why and how that affects me. my sister and i are polar opposites, and we love it, but they don't at times. they see her as mentally stronger than i am and more put together because i am quite clumsy and a wandering soul. because of that they often pit us against each other by praising her for things they'd never give me a second thought for and coddling her for her mistakes while punishing me for mine. they defend her in any situation, especially when i comment on her actions or personality. we both acknowledge it and are here for each other, so i am beginning to heal from these patterns.

as for romantic relationships, i am very new to them. in fact, i've only had one serious relationship, my last one. every time i was involved romantically with anybody though, i was aware of what was being said of us and of me. there were a few times when people approached the other person/partner saying that they didn't understand why they'd ever date someone like me because i wasn't attractive or tried to "steal" them from me. in addition to that, in the one serious relationship i had, i was cheated on. more so emotionally, but that hurt a lot more to me because if it had been just because of physical temptation i would not have much to wonder about, but it was because they truly liked and invested time in someone else repeatedly. that led to a spiral of me wondering

why i was not enough, and why somebody else was better than me physically and personality wise. it tied into the social aspect i mentioned too. i have always seen myself as different from those around me because i am a petite asian girl that lives around people that look nothing like me. society's standards are also rotating all the time, and i seemed to not fit many of them except being skinny... except then people said i was too skinny 🤷🏻‍♀️ the effects that society and my relationship have on me are toxic, and are in the way of my self love.

though i am well past the relationship, the scars are still there. there are days i get nightmares of what happened in the relationship and certain triggers appear that remind me of the relationship. it happens substantially less than before because i realized that the way i thought of the situation was wrong. sweetie... i'm a catch. yes, i said it! no, i'm not perfect, but i am a great woman. there is so much more to me than the outside. beauty is subjective and attraction comes and goes in ways you'd never expect. so, it wasn't my fault. it just happened. they chose to love someone else. they found someone else they matched with. they found someone they were willing to risk us for. they found somebody they were attracted to, and that's okay because i chose me (took too damn long, but i did it). so, though it is still hard and some days it feels like i took 10 steps backwards after taking one forward, i am working everyday towards not comparing myself to others because everybody is a catch in their own way. i am always going to be small (maybe lol), a wandering and curious soul, someone with lots of strong emotions, and i am going to love myself for it. this obstacle will soon be a small fragment of my life that i can look back on and be proud that i overcame it. we all are meant to be here and have a path in life. i hope that you can find yours and love yourself through the ugly yet glorious process. luv thyself! 🤍 till next time voizies!