luv thyself series - prompt #4

good morning, afternoont, evening, night depending on where and when you read this. i think i'm gonna call you guys voizies. is that okay? hmm, lemme know what you think on that. this post is coming to you a little late because SOMEBODY lost track of time watching true beauty 😗 i am somebody; somebody is i. no worries, we will get back on track today!

once again prompts can be found here: https://selflovecircle.co.uk/self-love-journal-prompts/

prompt #4: write three things that you need to forgive yourself for.

1. oh, i was ready for this one. i need to forgive myself for not being as productive and for not researching as i should've when i was younger up til now. i often blame myself for my whole career/college dilemma. i feel like if i put in a little extra work in high school into researching majors and thinking about what i could really see myself doing and what would help me be financially stable, i wouldn't be in the predicament i'm in now. it is something i think about at least weekly. "you wasted your time." "you were too indecisive." "why did you not know what you know now earlier?" these thoughts circulate my mind too often. though that is true, it is of no use to dwell on what could have been. there is only now. i did not understand the value of thorough research, and quite frankly, i didn't really want to go to college 🤷🏻‍♀️ so, i didn't put my time and effort into researching as much as i should have. don't get me wrong; these are not excuses. i still could have done better, but it is something that explains the way i was, and it helps me understand why i might not have been where i think i should have been. i have to understand that in order to forgive myself. it is certainly not an easy task, but it is something i am working on. i have to forgive myself for days where i'm in a slump in general. i constantly criticize myself for not doing enough (i think it's part of the infp personality 😪). i have to find a balance between being kind to myself and preventing myself from remaining stagnant. difficult indeed.

2. i need to forgive myself for choosing not to go to nyu LOL. so, a long time ago when i was a senior in high school, i applied to only 3 schools for college: georgia state, georgia tech, and new york university. the only easy school to get into was georgia state, with an acceptance rate of 57%. georgia tech's was a whopping 21% with nyu topping it with only a 16%! i basically guaranteed myself that i'd end up going to georgia state because though my sat score and gpa were good, they were merely meeting average in georgia tech and nyu's discerning eyes. BUT! as the universe would have it, i got an email reading "your decision is enclosed in this email" from nyu at around 11 pm one night when i was still a barista, and when i opened it ...

did i cry a little? yes. i was overjoyed a little too soon because i would later on find out that it costs basically A FREAKING HOUSE TO ATTEND, even with the scholarship they gave. so, because of how expensive it was i chose not to go, and i sometimes regret that. i feel like i would've thrived there with the city, the people, the program, but i was afraid to put myself and my family in debt. it was a valid reason though. i would not want to put my family in a sticky financial situation. i don't think it's something that i should keep beating myself up about. it's the FOMO haha. working on it! it's almost gone.

3. i think i need to forgive myself for not remembering as much as i want to. that sounds absurd because that's not really my fault 😂 i have a bad memory, and often i get mad at myself for not remembering events or something i just read/watched or things i learned in high school. i think it's because i feel that if my memory is not good it somehow correlates to how smart i am as a person. not the case at all because i know some pretty stellar scholars who don't have a good memory. i'm not quite sure this requires forgiveness as much as it needs kindness, but i think it counts.

we all make mistakes. we all go pass up on people and opportunities we wish we would have held onto for dear life. we all could have made a different choice some time ago. it is apart of the learning process. through that process, we have to choose to forgive ourselves because if we don't, we will always be looking behind us. that never gets you anywhere but stuck, sad, and angry. so, may we all learn from the choices we made then, and forgive ourselves for the ones we don't agree with now. i hope you do this exercise as well. once again, read the past ones and try it yourself. comment! like! share! see you next time, voizies 💜 (i don't know if that's gonna stick to be honest)