not one of those days.

it's been over half a year since i've written on here. i thought about writing on many days, but never got around to it. hey, i'm back now though. do i know for how long? nah. but it's okay. this blog is for me to heal, and if you're here for the journey, hi. i'm glad you're here. a lot has changed since the last time i wrote. i could give you a life update, but that would be far too lengthy. i'll divulge details through out my posts over time, but for now just know: i've come a long way.

but right now at 1:30 in the morning, i can hear that little voice saying, "you need to write tonight." this post is a bit vulnerable, so if you stick around, i appreciate you a lot. if not, that's okay too! i just know i needed this. i find it ironic that i just said that i've come a long way, but i'm here to write about how some days it feels like i haven't moved at all. some days, it doesn't feel like my heart grew to love myself any more than it did 2 years ago. some days, i feel my feet bolted to the ground only to look down and see that i'm the one holding down my legs. today was one of those days. let me give you a little story on how that stagnancy came to bother me today.

i was in my university's library earlier today with some acquaintances. they were all talking about a game that shall not be named, and with one airpod in, i heard one of them say, "people who play this hate themselves." a boy across the table looked at me and asked if i played it. i shook my head no. the same boy that made the statement said, "and i bet helen loves herself." i tilted my head and raised my eyebrows briefly in a "you're not wrong" kind of way. i told them, "i have my moments, but i worked hard to get where i am." in that moment i believed that. in a lot of life's moments, i do believe that now.

i love myself now... right?

fast forward to a couple minutes ago. i stared at myself in the mirror for too long and pointed out all the things i would fix. i fixated on the smallest lines, textures, and centimeters of my face that were too much or too little. after a while, i took my contacts off partially because it was time to go to bed, but partially because i wanted the image of me to blur. and even though i didn't, i sure did feel like breaking into tears. i come across many gorgeous beings everyday. they walk past me on the way to class. i scroll past them on my titkok and instagram. i watch them on my tv at home. and though i've learned to brush past them and not compare myself to their existence, like i said, there are moments. those moments accumulate into standards of what i'm "supposed" to look like. those moments turn into thoughts like, "oh so she's what they want," or "how does it feel to be objectively pretty?" whether or not those statements are true or not, they bruise me a little bit every time.

it's crazy how i can find so much appreciation and just as much loathing towards myself within the same 24 hours. self-love can be made out to be very black and white on social media. it may seem like your options are you either love yourself and thrive in your confidence forever, or you do not like yourself and are just "not there yet." i don't know about you, but for me, self-love fills up and depletes and comes and goes and surrounds you and leaves you and is so easy at times and the hardest at others. it is about appreciating what i see in the mirror one day and about being proud of who i am as a person the next. balancing acceptance for the version of me today and awareness and motivation to work towards the best version of me has been a very long journey. it's one that i will probably always be on. i don't need to be anything more than who i am now and the body i'm in now to be deserving of love, even if i'm working towards more. i don't need to look like someone else or be able to do all the things they do to be proud of myself.

so, if you're ever having a low day or even if most of your days are low, just know it will not always be like that, and please know: you are never alone. in a world where everyone displays their carefully selected highlights and the expectations are to always have your shit together, just know that we are all just trying to be fucking happy, and some of us choose to show the days that aren't as bright. (shameless self promo, but also know that my blog has a lot of shit that may help you so pls stay hehe <3) the journey is never linear. because a couple of weeks ago i was driving home and i teared up because i thought to myself, "this is the most content i've been in a really long time. like i'm pretty happy." in that moment i felt so much love and appreciation for myself and for the people and memories that have graced my life. you see, there was a time where i stared in the mirror for hours in the week, as if i was checking to see if i still didn't like myself. i used to be codependent on my ex to give me the validation that i needed to feel beautiful. stopping the pain a bit sooner crossed my mind a lot for quite a long time, and i almost did.

getting to where i am today was not because i had a lightbulb moment where i said, "alright let's start journaling, meditating, exercising everyday, and becoming the baddest bitch." it kind of just ... blossomed. it was gradual and was quiet. almost as if it wasn't happening. i can't pinpoint what i did, but i think i made space for myself. i made space for feeling and acknowledging that i didn't value myself enough, and i was very honest about the parts of me that were toxic instead of just believing that self-love would come one day once i got the perfect everything.

it was a lot of honesty. a lot unpacking and slowly surrounding myself with people and things that made life just a little sweeter. i took it one moment at a time and let time freeze once in a while to just be present. hey, i started this blog! and it's helped quite a bit pouring my energy into something i love very much. different things work for different people. and even when you think something works, it might not everyday. keep going though. those are the days that you become a little stronger.

yea i still stare in the mirror some days, but they are are few and far between. i still sometimes want validation from my friends and people i get in relationships with, but i remind myself that i don't need it. and i appreciate being here more than you could know. so yea, most days i can tell a boy across the table at the library that i love myself, and actually believe it. today was not one of those days, and that's okay :) love u all. see u soon. and uuuuh happy new year!!!